some nights the blood from real cuts feels real nice when it's really mine
2018-03-20 -- 4:19 p.m.
maybe it's the hormones talking, but i'm feeling very amped up today. i'm listening to okkervil river and i'm reminded of a decade ago when i really FELT this music, i really really FELT things deeply. and i might have been a bit unhinged and passionate, but... what happened to that? these days i'm so even keel, so ontherighttrac, so straight and narrow instead of messed up, it's nice but what happened to my DREAMS, man?
sure, i was unpredictable and incorrigible but at least there was some substance there, some fire. i've felt like my teenage self more and more lately and i'm sure that has to do with all these hormones swirling around. i'm pregnant, i should say, with twins. this might seem like a bomb to drop, but we were trying for quite some time, and i was on hormones a lot of that time. so you'd think i would have been teenage hormonal all that time, but no, it was mainly me just being irritable and sad.
teenage hormones were more like this - up and down and a bit of passion thrown in. maybe THAT's what youthful passion actually is. hormones. (isn't that kind of sad?)
that being said, i miss deeply feeling things, a range of emotions that i could express through artistic endeavours. songwriting, fiction, poetry, i used to write it all unabashedly. i NEEDED to express myself, i didn't have a choice. now it's so hard to light the fire i don't bother anymore.